During the cab ride home just now after my netball training, i cried.

The day was too unbearable for me.

This morning, i received an important call that meant half of this year's psychological-rending journey is half over and i could start to look forward to its demise soon. I was so relieved and tears just gathered at the corner. In part , recalling what had happened all throughout these months with my family--misery. In part, relief that it would be over soon. The weight would be lifted soon. I thought of the taiwanese drama, meteor garden where the character said by hanging oneself upside down from a bar, you can stop from tears from flowing. A snapshot of him hanging shot through my mind and i tilted my head backwards.

This morning, when i stepped into the minefield, a torrent of problems started. Someone somehow forgot what was instructed (and its NOT the first time) and totally spent my patience. I could hear my voice rising as i spoke as i became increasingly agitated...and i know i should be more composed as loudness can give people the wrong impression that I am screaming when I am not. I think she thought i lost my temper...but i know i didnt. I was just loud as i get worked up because i felt that ambiguity shouldnt be my fault when it was communicated prior to submission. I know why it happened and i am a little pissed , no, very pissed. I really dont like games. can we stop playing games? i prefer OPEN communication, not darts behind my back. I made my position known ...and the response just verified my doubts about 'who did what'.

During netball training just now, someone sorta played the rules wrongly and i rammed into a hard arm that shouldnt be there in the first place. yea, a little cut, a little blood and darn swollen! so i need to get melon powder or bojella since the gal who hit me kept telling me it would be infected and turn yellow if i didnt do that~ GAWD YELLOW lips? so weird. i dont have to look as bad as i feel lor....seeing her stand a mile apart when she was supposed to be defending me, i knew she felt darn guilty. I kept telling her dont worry about it injuries are common...and i felt bad that she was seen as the guilty party i seriously felt very bad for her and felt guilty that she felt guilty. doesnt help that she kept apologising from a mile away. Its okay lah~ play game is like that. I have sprained ankles, sprained hands, broken nose...just that a cut lip is something new. i told her that as long as my teeth stays intact, I am fine...at least i still have my looks intact! swelling will subside anyway.

So, anyway it was late and i hailed a cab home where the driver took an unfamiliar route. I said to avoid CTE as there would be jam and he took the other route BUT SOMEHOW WE STILL ENDED UP ON CTE.

I said, "uncle, you took longer route ah?"

Uncle: (very agitated) "i never cheat you hor, I took CTE coz its faster

Me: But uncle, just now i already say avoid CTE mah

Uncle: (very agitated and loud) I NEVER CHEAT YOU OK, HERE IS FASTER COZ IF I CONTINUE THE OTHER ROUTE , ITS LONGER COZ A LOT OF TRAFFIC LIGHTS

Me: issit? but i say avoid CTE mah, you go straight also can why come on CTE, i also driver the other route is ok.

Uncle: YOU SAY LONGER ROUTE IS SAYING I CHEAT YOU THEN WHAT ESLE CAN U MEAN? I NEVER CHEAT YOU I TELL U

Me: Uncle, i never say you cheat me, i know you have a bad day but you dont have to get so agitated lah and you dont have to shout at me. I dont understand thats why i asked you and you could just explain. you must also understand my position

Uncle: YOU ASK ME WHY LONGER ROUTE IS SAYING I CHEAT YOU, ISOMEMORE TELL ME YOU DRIVER TOO, I NOT AGITATED I NOT SHOUTING AT YOU ,I TALK IS LIKE THIS LOUD ONE. I THINK FOR YOU, THATS WHY TAKE CTE COZ THE OTHER ROUTE A LOT OF TRAFFIC LIGHTS , WAH REALLY GOOD HEART NO GOOD RETRIBUTION (in chinese) AH (rises his free hand and gesticulates wildly at me) I TELL YOU, YOU NOT HAPPY, THS FARE I CAN DONT WANT TAKE
Me: Ok ok uncle, you dont have to get so agitated (coz he is old man) I am just asking and you can explain to me , i will understand dont immediately think I am accusing you

UNCLE : (same old lines again)

*after a while*

Me: Uncle, you must have a bad day. (i wanted to console him because i felt we all work so hard for a living and i dont want to spoil his day ...because i kinda pity cab drivers as i know driving is very tiring)

Uncle: YOU TOO. AND DONT SAY I CHEAT YOU.

Me: Uncle...i never say you cheat me la.

Uncle: (SAME OLD AGITATED LINES AGAIN)

Me: Uncle...I

Uncle: OK DONT SAY ANYMORE

(All along he was darn loud at me)

The rest of the journey i just shut up. Prior to the heated exchange, I was listening to a song on radio and i pondered about life as well as what happened earlier at the minefield. I felt upset and wondered why people do such things...we are all here to make a living , why make things so complicated? I felt a little sad...because i am not a 'political' person.

After the conversation with a loud uncle, i just fell silent and felt hurt. Even when i tried to make him feel better so as not to ruin his day, he was still shouting at me. Then i thought about how i used to help people in the past from different minefields and the kind of treatments i received. I dont ask for reciprocal returns but i also dont expect bad turns. I see my reflection in UNcle, he said that he speaks loudly (not yelling and hence spoiling for a fight) and that i misunderstood him to be yelling at me. I see myself in him. MOst times , if i get a little agitated, a little passionate, my voice tends to be louder than its usual loud...and people miscontrue it to be me spoiling for a fight. or me being defensive. I KNow. people have told me before as like the Uncle, the decibels do not represent my intentions other than the fact that i have my point of view and i want to bring it across. But i was sometimes misunderstood...and to draw in a larger perspective, i may appear dynamic and hard-nosed, people tend to think I could never be bullied. The thing is, i am softer than i look.

I think of those times in the past when i was the victim but made the aggressor and people believed it simply because the other party appears softer and gentler. I remembered how badly i was treated by an ex-colleague that I cried in public for a long while, utterly hurt to be made a fool by someone who i helped , who i defended when other colleagues spread malicous rumours ...and i kept quiet about the incident that reflects the character to myself because we have mutual friends and i dont want the rest to obtracise the person. I was too honest, when people questioned why the apparant distance suddenly, i didnt say anything...but that person played victim when asked even crying... and i was made to be the bad guy. can u imagine how hurt i was? You made me cry in the streets for a few hours... and i didnt say a single word. I only told you i wont trust you again...but why must you twist the story?

I helped this other ex-colleague when she joined the minefield with me , even helping her clarify her pay discrepancies on the third day after we joined because she was too timid to make the call herself. she was quiet and mild hence not many people would speak to her but most would grativate towards me. I have people asking me out for lunches/minefield parties and I always rope her in. I helped her make friends even though i cant really connect with her because she was too quiet and ...a bit boring. subsequently i realised one of the friends started to distance from me and seemed like she detest me and became best friends with Gentle Angel...though her Angel still hangs out with me and co...until two years later, she came and knocked on my door. She told me she could not take it anymore and needs someone to confide in. She says she feels that she can trust me the most. I dont really talk to her and i know she detests me but she looked so forlorn i listened...for three hours.

From day one, Gentle Angel already hated me to the core because she felt i shouldnt deserve more opportunities than her ...and had vilified me constantly to this other friend until she hates me. Her friend only told me because ...she discovered Angel had been very hypocritical...and she felt that her real character was very scary. I just listened in amazement, wasnt offended but just felt a little sad. because all along i had always looked out for her and helped her whenever she needs help...

of course, that friend believed her vilification because of my outward character, very frank very loud very 'aggressive' very bad tempered and compared to a gentle milder Gentle Angel, i fit her description of a Devil.

i was victims twice and i felt very sad. the cab driver just emphasised miniture me.

i felt that life is already so hard, and i do my part, i dont habour vile intentions but...i am often made use of, often vilified, often misunderstood just being who i am. do i really have to wear a mask?

I felt so weary and looking at Uncle, i felt doubly sad. I just want to console him so that he wont continue the rest of the long shift feeling like shit and i get shouted and accused in return. Unknowingly, as on the train this morning, i couldnt stop the tears. This time was a silent flood that i couldnt hold back unlike morning's. Uncle probably saw me through his rear mirror coz i didnt make any sounds. I think its very embarrassing to cry in public.

when i reached the shop where i wanted to get my medication, i realised he had switched off his meter and refused my money. I insisted. he persisted in refusing. I said that he still have to make a living and insisted. He said nevermind and that he is sorry. I said its okay he dont feel bad dont say sorry just take the money. He kept refusing and i just threw it there. I told him that life is already so tough, dont make it any harder and he still has to make a living so just take the fare. I gave him twelve and he threw back two, he said ten is enough and kept apologising.

I hate it when people apologise because it always make me feel guilty. Guilty for making the other party feel bad and i dont like feeling guilty but guilt is a follow through reaction to this apology equation..i rather you dont do the deed in the first place than apologise having done it...its like i already feel bad when do the 'whatever' deed yet felt worse when you apologise! either way, it just a choice of feeling shitty and shittier. (ok i know bad english)

I didnt get my medication for my lip injury because i couldnt stop my tears...after uncle apologised. I walked the rest of the journey home, crying all the way and because i dont dare to face people with my smudged mascara, ok, i am still vain , i climbed the stairs home. i came back , switched on tv for my fav show , yes i love tv, and kept crying without changing out...my parents got a shock when they saw me crying in the living room. dad was stunned because he wanted to ask me about my brother's stuff. i couldnt answer properly.

he asked me why

i said i feel very 'xin gu' (tough)

dad said you dont cry just because you find the going tough, nobody cries when life's tough

Me thinking but you knew what you put me through all these years, you knew what i went through for the family earlier this year, you knew who has been making my life miserable...i've been very strong all these while and i am just a young girl, so why cant i cry when i realised i cant take it anymore?

The last few months, i tried not to cry because mom depended on me to remain strong. ...i held back my tears so long ...and today i just cant take it.

Today is a really bad day.

Mom asked me why.

i told mom that i never do people harm but ...i felt that i am always being 'bullied' because my character makes me either a vulnerable or believable target.

I told mom i cannot take it anymore. I always meet people who are somehow just mean to me when i did nothing to them, even helping them if i could. i dont ask for returns but why bully me...nobody believes that i could be bullied because of my hard , quick tempered and loud image...but i am only human. ...sometimes my hard and loud image makes me an easier target to bully because nobody would ever EVER believe me when i tell my story.

i told mom i felt weary.

i really am.

i've been crying since 9pm and my lip is still swollen.

it will turn yellow tomorrow.

darn. i will look ugly coz my eyes are puffy now.

see, doesnt life sux? I look as bad as i feel now.

Shit.

its okay, i will smile again tomorrow. I believe in the beauty of human nature. As long as I be myself, do not backstab, even if the environment doesnt suit me, I will surely find one that eventually will. if i cant change the environment doesnt mean i should change myself because i seriously think there is nothing so vile about me that needs to be eradicated, yes i am loud but i am sure somehow somewhere can appreciate that kind of dynamism.

Must have hope and the AH Q spirit. dad is right i cant always cry whenever i find life is tough because there are people who are worse than me. I am a warrior and should and will pull myself up after my bout of tears.

YOu cant cry just because life is tough.

yes, i simply cant.because i am not the only one having it rough.